Motherhood at it's best!

I'm one of the lucky ones...after years of yearning and trying I stepped into the role that I somehow always knew I would, despite the obstacles that kept popping up...I became a mom, one of the most important role models in our kid’s lives!

As I sit here now, almost a quarter of a century beyond my kid less twenties, I have but one regret - that I wasn't who I am now in those early years of motherhood.

• I wish I could have had the where with all to bite my tongue before yelling and making my children cry...
• I wish I had learned to be more present with them instead of being distracted by the stress and worries in my life...
• I wish I had dismounted my high horse sooner, realizing that I didn't always know better or more than them...(and still don't!)
• And most of all, I wish I could have known how to love them unconditionally from the get go (I thought I was :( )

The experience of being a mom was everything I thought it would be and more, although the more coming a little later in my rearing days. So I'm not perfect...none of us are!

We all do the best we can and I know that because of the stages my children have gone through – from temper tantrums to piercings and everything in between – I've grown up and changed too...and that's a good thing!!

My kids are both adults now and my traditional parenting role is pretty much over, I’ve done my job! At 18 and 19, I trust that my now young adults know right from wrong, kindness from not and have a vision for their lives that is all their own!

Of course I’ll be their mom forever but I’m looking forward to this next chapter of their lives and mine with no apron strings attached!

Wishing you all a wonderful Mother's Day!

Bullying Awareness ...uh week??

Where I live it's Bullying Awareness week, but really, is a week of awareness enough? I don't think I'm the only one who wishes we could all be more conscious and aware of bullying every day!
Last month you couldn't turn on the television without seeing yet another expose on the tragic ending to a young life that could have been prevented.

It inspired me to share my views on bullying...not just as it pertains to gay teens but a more generic look at the root causes of bullying, the widespread effects and how we can end the cycle.
As the response was so overwhelming when I first posted these entries, I wanted to share them with you again...their content and relevance just as important today as the day I wrote them.

http://betherole-model.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-was-bullying-mom.html

http://betherole-model.blogspot.com/2010/10/breaking-bullying-cycle.html



Be part of the solution to end bullying for good! Be the Role Model!!

Ready...Set...Let Go!

It's hard to see anyone we love struggle with circumstances that have come up in their lives and it is especially hard as parents to witness our children in pain...we just want to make it go away for them!

As hard as it might be for us, we have to let go and allow our kids to experience what they are experiencing. I'm not talking about physical injury or pain...this is about their stress, their disappointments, their emotional struggles. 

Now it's not to say that we turn away and let them suffer, that's not it at all. We need to create a safe and nurturing environment for them, be compassionate, listen to them, and love and support them unconditionally through their trials, even if the choices that they have made have led them to their woes.

We've all heard the phrase, we learn from our mistakes, and one of the most difficult parts of parenting is to actually let our kids make one!

From my own experience with two teenagers coupled with the fact that I am a recovering control freak (I'm getting better though! :)), I have humbly learned that it can be very disrespectful as well as debilitating to interfere with our kids predicaments.

Consider the possibility that the message we're sending is that we don't believe in them nor that they have the capability to figure a way through their situation or conflict; or that our common complaint that kids don't take responsibility may come from never having learned how to because we're always jumping in to save the day!

Another downside is that we end up taking on so much unnecessary stress for ourselves when we try to fix or take away anyone else's pain... don't we have enough of our own to deal with anyway?

We all want to empower our kids and as as their role models this is just one of the many ways that I've learned as a parent to do just that!

So.....ready...set...let go!

Breaking the Bullying Cycle

I have been sharing my story for years as to how I used to be a bullying mom and invariably people respond with either a thank you for inspiring them to take responsibility for how they have behaved and then there are other subscribers who demand to be taken off my list having been triggered by what I have shared.

I was out last night at a friend's house for dinner...a retired teacher and one of the kindest and loving women I know. She isn't a big news watcher so I caught her up on all the coverage of bullying lately and of course she was very interested having been in the school system for 35 years. (just as an aside, she is definitely not one of the negative examples that the documentary Waiting for Superman highlights.)

I had shared with her that I felt there had been an abundance of talk about the effects of bullying but not a lot on how to actually break the cycle. My friend was absolutely shocked and of course saddened as we all are to know how this cycle has permeated so deeply in our society.

Neither one of us can understand why more people aren't talking about how kids don't become bullies once they hit the school grounds...the conditioning starts way before then!

Our kids watch our every move...they overhear our overt comments and also take in the implied messages we send to them.

They are in the back seat as we curse at the driver who cut us off and hear us complain how "those" people...from whichever country they mention, can't drive.

They are within earshot as we judge and speak of our intolerance of other's lifestyle choices.

We yell, demean, disrespect and otherwise bully our partners...in front of them.

We separate or divorce and the impact of our meanness to each other is engrained in them.

I'm not saying I have all the answers, nor that I am a perfect role model or that my kids are perfect angels but what I know for sure is that if we don't stop and take a look at what we are modelling, we will keep feeding this insidious cycle...more lives will be needlessly lost...more families torn apart...

We have to start being aware of what we are teaching them remembering that our kids look up to us, they think we know everything and will adopt our beliefs and behaviors because they don't know any other way.

It's a common sense solution...being the best role models we can be for our kids will make a huge impact on breaking this cycle...and hopefully one day for good!!

I was a bullying mom...

It took me a little while to collect myself this morning before writing my blog. I had to wait out the tears that flowed from hearing all of the bullying stories that have been profiled in the media recently...my heart breaking for all involved, not only the bullied but the bullies as well.

The tears continued to flow as I connected with profound gratitude...I was grateful that I was able to shift my behavior and prevent two more kids from becoming victims or perpetrators of this epidemic, these children being my own.

You see I was a bullying mother.

This morning one of the news programs highlighted that they didn't believe that the bullies see their behavior and I agree wholeheartedly...I didn't see mine...but my kids sure did...but they didn't have a voice to tell me.

One day I woke up and became aware of what my behavior was teaching my kids...to become timid and fearful walking on eggshells around my moods or model my meanness and judgment.

Now I didn't look the part, although is there an identifiable look anyway? I didn't necessarily display my behavior for the world to see...but nonetheless I humbly admit that I was a bully.

Once I took responsibility for what I was teaching my kids, I became a different mother...a better role model and a voice for every child who hopes that the role models in their lives can muster up the courage to take a look in the mirror too...

I believe that everything we experience in life brings us to what we are meant to do. After taking a good look at myself and consciously choosing to change was the catalyst that ignited not only my passion to make a difference but my compassion as well...we all do the best we can until we know otherwise and awareness is the key!

We really do live in a mad mad world...but I know it can change...but we have to be that change!

No child is born a bully...let's be the best role models we can be for them!

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

Only a few weeks left before our kids go back to school and I'm really puzzled at the message behind the commercial ad for school supplies that has played for several years over the air waves.

I was thinking this morning that there were only two more sleeps (yes I still count down in sleeps!) until my 18 year old daughter returns from her amazing humanitarian trip to Kenya! Of course I missed her and as she begins another new journey this fall I will cherish every day that she still lives with me...she won't forever!

My son is entering his last year of high school and I have enjoyed every minute of the summer with both my kids....more time together, amazing weather and a lot of fun!

So here's my quandary ....why would our kids going back to school be the most wonderful time of the year?

Are they implying that we want to get rid of our kids? That it's too hard having them around all the time? Sheesh...I sure hope not!!

But then again, maybe there are those out there who feel their kids are a bit of an inconvenience being around for the summer and they like life better once they're back at school? If you are one of them please contact me...please! :)

We only get one shot at this parenting thing, they'll be gone soon enough...and for good! There will be plenty of times where you will miss these years so enjoy every single one of them now...oh and your kids will like that you do too!!

Report Card Drama

School's almost out for the summer...and the report cards are coming home...so what will you do? How will you react as a parent to less than great marks??

I was asked to do a television interview this week on Global News here in Toronto addressing this very topic, in fact an area that I frequently discuss with many parents.

The fact is our kids will not all be A students...some are and others are at the other end of the spectrum, just like when we were in school...maybe our sibling(s) were at the top of the class and we weren't.

The point though as parents is to be aware of  if we treat our kids differently based on their marks, because if we do, they can feel it!

Children just want to be unconditionally loved by us and that includes whether or not they get an A or an F.

For other tips to avoid any report card dramas, you can view the clip of the interview  Enjoy :)

You Gotta Laugh!

Okay I admit it...I love being a mom and doing mom things, so yes I still make my son's lunch even though he is 17, but the way I look at it is that I don't have many more years left to have this role so I'm going to make the most of it...especially because he's my youngest.

So of course being a good mom, I wanted him to have some protein to go along with his sour gushers and dry alphabits that I substituted for cookies as I hadn't been shopping, so I made him a tuna sandwich.

Sometime late morning, I received this text..but before that I just wanted to make a suggestion that parents learn how to text as this is probably the only way they'll be able to communicate with their teens...anyway the text read like this:      " Nice giant hair in my sandwich!"

I laughed so hard when I read it and even more so when he descriptively described, once he got home from school, how the whole thing went down in the cafeteria amongst his peers.

I had sent him a text back that said, "Extra protein never hurt anyone :)" He did end up eating the sandwich, after all we are family...but not the hair!

This morning I taped a note to his wrap that said, " No hairs in your lunch today!" which I know will make him smile.

The point of all this? We have to laugh more with our kids...have more fun with them and lighten up...it's so much easier when we do!

The Bullying Epidemic

As I was watching yet another news story on bullying, I just wanted to crawl into the tv and say, “Why can’t you see the solution??” I felt like I had bought my glasses from a different store than anyone else!


Our children are not born bullies…a phrase that I hope one day becomes a mantra for every single parent, teacher, coach and person working with kids. As I continued to watch I thought that one move in the right direction would be to change the definition of what it means to bully, so I wrote this:

Dear Dictionary,
Please amend the current definition for bullying to:

Any act, be it physical, verbal or non-verbal, that makes someone feel bad about themselves, not good enough.

There is an epidemic that pervades our society more than any disease that has ever existed – feeling not good enough.

It’s the common thread that runs through not only bullying, but the issues of obesity, depression, addictions, suicide and more!

In order to find the solution, we have to start asking ourselves the tough questions. There are way too many to mention but we can start with these general ones:

How do I treat my kids/partner when I’m mad?
Do I compare my kids to their friends, siblings, teammates?
Do I treat my child differently when they bring home an A or an F?
Do I express my disappointment when my kid doesn’t meet my expectations?
Do I punish my child when they act up?

This is just scratching the surface, but you get the idea. Now I know many of you may be getting a little incensed right now…I know because I did when I was asked to look at and take responsibility for my behavior…but we have to!

If we were honest with ourselves we would see that we have all been on either side of the bullying fence and if we ever hope to have harmony in our schools or our homes we have to have the courage to ask the tough questions!

This is a wake-up call that comes straight from the heart with unbridled compassion for every child who is bullied and for those who have become the bullies – they each express their feelings of not good enough in a different way, yet both in the way they have been taught.

We can stop this epidemic in its tracks by finding a way to heal our own feelings of not good enough so we don’t pass them along to our children and once we do that we will inspire a new legacy and generation of kids who are empowered and who would never need to put down another in order to feel better about themselves!

Harmony in our schools can and will happen when there is harmony in our homes and the solution lies in being a role model of unconditional love.